


Bewitched and Bewildered

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-03-16
Updated: 2004-03-25
Packaged: 2018-12-26 23:54:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12069558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Justin gets fed up with his new position in Brian's life after 309.  He decides to give Brian a taste of his own medicine.  Thanks to a plot bunny from MaryAnn.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

Justin pulled back the loft door juggling his bag of groceries and the bottle of wine. He was going to make Brian a nice dinner and then fuck the man senseless. He hit the alarm deactivation. Brian had never changed the numbers or asked for his key back. 

Justin was happy all things considered. He had asked Brian to take him back and Brian had agreed. The only stipulations had been no violin music in his presence and agreeing to work long, hard hours deep into the night. That had been no hardship. In fact that had been the best part. Justin grinned as he set the bags on the counter and went to close the door.

When Brian had consented so easily to Justin returning to his bed, the blond had been surprised. He had expected Brian to give him a hard time and make the list of demands almost impossible to meet. Neither of those things had happened. Justin wondered if that was because he had told Brian that he now understood his place. His place was in Brian's bed with no expectation of a relationship.

He knew he was the only guy Brian fucked over and over again. He had even made that point with one of Brian's tricks. He had been proud of that fact … then. Justin frowned. It still irked him that Brian found it necessary to fuck other men. Somehow Justin felt he should be enough. Brian was enough for him.

Justin set out the things he needed to make dinner. Everything would go in the oven. That way it could be turned down or off if Brian was late or they got involved in other things first. He puttered away assembling all the ingredients. The chicken and vegetables were soon ready and he shoved them into the oven. 

As he cleaned up the counter he heard the elevator come up and then the loft door opened. He turned and smiled. Brian was there kissing some guy. Christ, couldn't he even take a break over dinner time.

Justin cleared his throat to make them aware of his presence. He hoped Brian might send the guy away.

"Justin," Brian said with a frown, "what the fuck are you doing here? We didn't have anything scheduled."

Justin swallowed. That was true. He wasn't Brian's six o'clock or eight o'clock or eleven o'clock. He wasn't scheduled for today. "I thought I'd surprise you with dinner," he managed to get out.

"You surprised me all right," Brian conceded looking at the guy who still hung all over him. "But I'm not hungry … for food, so maybe another time."

"Sure, sure," Justin stammered now thoroughly embarrassed. So much for Brian sending the other guy away. "Dinner's in the oven. It's just starting so you can eat it in about an hour or turn it off or throw it out. Whatever you like," he said grabbing his coat and beating a hasty retreat. 

He ran down the stairs to the next landing where he stopped and took some deep breaths. He could feel the tears behind his eyes but he fought them off. "Fuck, fuck, fuck!" he muttered to himself. He was such a fucking fool. Memories of Hotlanta and zucchini man flooded through his mind. When would he ever learn? Brian was never going to change. Justin was supposed to be all right with that. He knew the score. He had accepted that score.

So why did it hurt every time he saw Brian with someone else, saw him kissing them and touching them. It hurt because it should be him. It should be only him … that Brian wanted and needed. 

Justin heard the loft door slide shut up above him and he knew Brian would be undressing that guy, would be kissing him, and soon would be fucking him. The image was emblazoned on his brain. He had seen it many times before. He should be fucking used to it by now.

The bus let him off near Daphne's apartment. He walked the last half block lost in thought. This wasn't what he wanted his life to be. He had a futon at Daph's and a sometimes bed at Brian's. He could stay at his mother's or Deb's if needed, even the Munchers', but he belonged nowhere.

He unlocked the door to Daphne's and saw her sitting in the armchair eating pizza and watching MTV.

"Hey," she said with a smile. He glowered at her. "What's the matter with you?" she asked.

"Nothing," he responded dropping his coat and collapsing onto the futon.

"Brian," she said with a sigh.

Justin stuck his tongue out at her and gave her the finger.

"Nice, Justin, really nice. Fuck you too."

"I'm sorry," he mumbled. "He makes me crazy sometimes."

"What did he do?" she asked with another sigh. She could guess.

"The usual."

"Was he fucking him when you got there?"

"No, I even got dinner made and put in the oven. I was cleaning up when he opened the door kissing some asshole that he had picked up somewhere."

"Fuck!" she said. "What did you do?"

"I … hoped he'd tell the guy to get lost," Justin admitted sadly.

"But of course he didn't."

Justin shook his head. "He told me that I wasn't scheduled in today."

"Scheduled? Scheduled?" she repeated twice in disbelief. "Fuck, Justin, who the hell does he think he is? Why do you put up with that shit?"

"You're the one who told me to go after him, make him take me back."

"And he did, but what kind of fucked up relationship is this?"

"It's no relationship at all," Justin admitted. "He never agreed to that."

"Then tell him to get lost. You deserve better."

Justin smiled at her. "Thanks for thinking so."

"You do deserve better. Don't you know that?"

"I guess not. He's what I want."

"And as long as you let him treat you this way, he will," she said with total confidence.

"What can I do?"

"You're going to hate me for telling you this," she said slowly.

"What?" he asked knowing that he probably didn't want to hear what she was going to say.

"Dump him," she stated.

"Are you kidding? I just got him back."

"In case you haven't noticed, Justin, you didn't get him back. You got a few hours a week in a bed that seems to have plenty of other occupants. What does that make you – an unpaid fuck?"

"Thanks," Justin said angry that she was right.

"You know that's the truth. Tell him what you want and if he won't give you more, then tell him to get lost."

"That would certainly get his attention for two seconds until the next good looking guy walked by," Justin said glumly.

Daphne sighed. "Can we not talk about His Royal Assholeness? I don't want to see you settle for this shit when you deserve so much better."

"Sure," Justin said with a wry laugh. "We can refer to him as HRA from now on."

"If we have to refer to him at all," Daphne said with a grimace.

\-----

Justin danced swaying to the music letting it wash over him and into him. It felt good to be free and to be wanted. He felt the bodies that bumped up against him looking for any kind of encouragement to take it farther. 

He opened his eyes and looked at the latest one to try to pick him up. This guy was kind of cute, a little taller than him with brown hair and brown eyes. The guy danced closer grinding against him. Justin ground back liking the feel of the hunt. He liked being in control with the power to say yes or no. This must be what Brian felt like all the time.

Shit! He would have to think about HRA. It definitely spoiled the mood. He shook his head at the guy who was still bumping against him. He had lost interest. The guy shrugged and moved away.

 

Justin walked over to the bar and ordered a beer. He was glad Daphne had told him to get out and go to Babylon. His sighs had been driving her crazy, and quite frankly he was driving himself crazy thinking about his non-relationship with Brian and how he wanted that to change. He knew Daphne was right. He wanted more than Brian was prepared to give him. If he continued to accept the way things were there was no reason for Brian to change it. Brian had the best of all worlds. Maybe he needed to show Brian that he was desirable to other men, that they would chase him and want him and treat him better than Brian did.

He finished his beer deciding to pick up someone and have a casual fuck. If Brian could satisfy his needs whenever and with whomever he wanted why couldn't he? He danced his way back onto the floor. He closed his eyes again and let the music take him. Suddenly he felt someone gyrating against his ass. He smiled. That didn't take long.

He turned around to find penetrating blue eyes staring into his. The guy was older, not as old as Brian, but old enough. He looked Justin up and down.

"I like blonds," he said with a soft, sultry voice.

"I like blonds too," Justin said with a grin. The man had dark blond hair.

"You're a good dancer," the man said. "My name's Kirk."

"Thanks. I'm Justin."

"Been here long?"

"Long enough."

Kirk laughed. It sounded pleasant. "I understand they have a backroom here."

"Yeah, they do."

"Ever been in there?"

"Once or twice."

"I'm new in town."

"I didn't think I had seen you around," Justin said. "Want a tour of the backroom?"

"Um … sure."

Justin linked his finger into the belt loop on Kirk's jeans and began to lead the man through the crowd to the backroom.

"Um…just so you know," Kirk said. "I'm a top."

"Yeah, right," Justin said knowing who would be the top in this encounter.

As soon as they found a spot Justin pushed Kirk against the cool wall. His lips found those of the other man and ravished them thoroughly. His hand reached for Kirk's crotch and squeezed. The man was already hard. So was he. This was exciting. This was what he needed.

He spun Kirk around as the man started to protest. He shoved him against the wall and reached around to unzip his pants. With a deft move he had them down around the man's ankles before he could say anything. Justin's finger pressed into his pucker and the man cried out.

"Like that?" Justin asked.

The man groaned in response. Justin worked his fingers in and out a few times until the man was panting and pushing back against him. He unzipped his own jeans dropping them to the floor around his ankles. He ripped open the condom and slid it on. He lubed it generously. 

"Ready?" he asked. 

Kirk gave one nod of his head and Justin impaled him against the wall. The man gave a long drawn out cry as he was filled almost beyond capacity. Justin waited a minute for him to adjust and then he began thrusting. Kirk took all he had to offer. As the speed and intensity of the fuck grew Kirk started jacking himself off. Justin could hear his breathing becoming ragged and he knew they were both getting close. Suddenly Kirk yelled out and shot all over the wall. His ass seized Justin's dick and he came forcefully into the condom. He rested against Kirk's back for a minute until he recovered. Then he pulled out and disposed of the condom. He retrieved his pants and walked quickly away while Kirk still rested against the wall.

He felt strangely good. It was the afterfuck glow, but also something else. He had seen what he wanted and he had gone after it. He could do whatever he wanted. He could have anybody he wanted. He liked that feeling.

He knew his face was flushed and he was smiling foolishly but he began to dance again suddenly full of life and energy. "Fuck Brian," he thought. "I can do perfectly well without him."

His smile increased as he felt a hand snake around his waist from behind. Someone else wanted him. He ground his ass against the groin that leaned into him. He could feel the stiff cock pressed into his crack.

"Getting a little ahead of yourself, aren't you?" he said turning to see who was making the move on him.

It was the guy with brown hair and brown eyes from a few minutes ago. 

"I want you," the guy said breathlessly.

"You're persistent. I'll give you that," Justin replied trying to decide if he should send the guy away again or give him a pity fuck. He smiled as he thought about what he was saying. Power could be intoxicating. He decided he'd dance with this guy for awhile and then decide if he wanted to fuck him.

Justin was enjoying the dance. This guy wasn't half bad. Once again he felt someone come up behind him. He was about to tell the person to leave him alone when he felt arms come around his chest and pull him back into the embrace.

A voice above him said, "Fuck off!"

Justin caught the disappointed but slightly frightened look on the brown haired guy's face as he beat a hasty retreat.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing, Brian?" Justin demanded, but he made no move to escape Brian's embrace.

Brian ground his cock against Justin's ass making it very clear what he was after. "I saw you dancing with that loser and I came to rescue you."

"What happened to the dinner trick?"

"Long gone."

"Must have been short and sweet if you're here."

"Short and not so sweet."

Justin smiled to himself, taking satisfaction that the fuck Brian had sent him away for hadn't turned out to be so great. "Poor baby," he said in mock sympathy.

"Um … want to come home with me?" Brian whispered into Justin's ear.

Justin felt his dick twitch at the invitation. Fuck, he was easy. "I … I didn't think I was scheduled for today," Justin said deliberately using Brian's word.

"I can pencil you in."

"Don't bother," Justin said scraping some pride together. "I don't feel like being penciled in." He moved away from Brian and found the first reasonably attractive body that came into view. He began gyrating against the man whose smile got bigger by the second as he realized his newfound good fortune.

Justin risked a glance back at Brian who stood in the same spot staring at him. As soon as Brian realized that Justin was looking at him he grabbed a body and pulled it to him. Within seconds he had his tongue stuck down the guy's throat.

Justin thought he might be sick to his stomach but he straightened his back and continued dancing. "Fuck Brian. Fuck Brian," he said over and over inside his head. Unfortunately that was exactly what he wished he was doing.

He pulled his dancing partner to him and started kissing. He knew he was a good kisser and before long he had the man moaning and panting. 

"Come," he ordered and started towards the backroom. He knew the man would follow him. He never looked back. He didn't need to. He breezed past Brian who still had his arms full of the man he had been kissing. Once he reached the backroom Justin was tempted to shove the trick away and leave, but then he saw Brian leading his trick in there too. Justin reached out and pulled the man in for another mind blowing kiss. He released him long enough to shove the man to his knees. He glanced over to see Brian staring at him and forcing his trick to his knees as well.

Justin felt the man unzip his pants. A soft mouth closed around his cock. He shut his eyes and blotted out everything except the feel of lips running up and down his shaft. He knew Brian would be watching but he refused to look. The guy did a passable blowjob, and before he knew it, Justin came forcefully into the guy's mouth.

Once it was over Justin zipped up and walked quickly out of the backroom. He glanced at Brian who was still getting his cock sucked. Justin was tempted to give him the finger but he just kept walking. He went straight to the bar for a beer.

He stood sipping his beer and looking out at the dance floor. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Brian emerge from the backroom. He didn't look very happy. Justin smiled to himself. "Serves him right," Justin thought. "He deserves whatever he gets, fucking HRA."

Brian arrived at the bar and ordered a Beam. He glanced at Justin. Justin ignored him. Brian wasn't sure what had just happened, but he had felt the subtle shift in the balance of power and he knew he didn't like it one little bit.


	2. Chapter 2

It was lunchtime and the diner was busy. Justin had agreed to fill in when Kiki got sick even though it meant missing a lecture that started at 1:30. He could get the notes from someone. He finished bussing the table and went to pick up an order. When he turned around Brian was sitting at the table he had just cleared.

Justin felt his cock jump. The man always looked so hot in his cashmere coat and business attire. He swallowed trying to build up his resolve. He thought he knew what Brian was doing here, not his usual haunt for lunch. He was pretty sure how he was going to play this.

"Can I help you?" Justin asked Brian.

Brian's eyebrow shot up questioning the formal tone of voice. "Don't you recognize me when I get dressed up?" Brian asked tongue firmly in cheek.

"I'm much more used to seeing you naked," Justin replied deciding to give back some of his own.

Brian chuckled. "Speaking of naked, are you coming over tonight?"

"Oh, am I penciled in?" Justin asked with just enough sarcasm in his voice.

"Carved in stone."

"I'll be there then. Do you want to order something?"

"The usual."

Justin turned away and let out a breath. That hadn't been so bad. He was going to Brian's tonight and they were going to talk … finally. He went to the window to place the order for Brian's turkey sandwich.

\-----

Justin knocked on the door to the loft. He could have used his key but he didn't want to have a repeat of yesterday. The door was pulled back and Brian stood in front of him. He looked sexy as hell in his jeans and black wifebeater.

"Hey," he said with a little grin.

"Hey," Justin replied finding it impossible not to smile back.

Justin threw off his coat. He felt Brian's arms come round him from behind. He melted back into the man. He always found that possessive action of Brian's totally endearing and erotic. His cock was already hard.

"I should have kept you here last night?" Brian whispered.

Justin was surprised that Brian would admit that. That was a good start for what he wanted to talk to the man about. "Why didn't you?" he asked hoping for an answer that he wanted to hear.

He felt Brian shrug against his shoulders. Brian said nothing but he started licking down Justin's neck, nibbling and kissing. A moan escaped Justin's lips. He always wanted Brian. It was like a need that could not be denied. Brian could get him instantly hard. They did things to each other that he was sure never happened with anyone else. That's why he couldn't understand why Brian felt it necessary to have other men.

Brian turned him around and kissed him in earnest. Justin kissed back. He wanted this man, he always wanted Brian. Suddenly his clothes were disappearing between kisses and he did nothing to stop it. All he could manage was to return the kisses.

Then they were on the bed and Brian was entering him and he was whimpering and begging for more and Brian was groaning and panting and there was heat and fire and intense desire and the world was spinning out of control and he didn't care because it felt so good. He felt his body jerk and burst into flame. He knew he was coming and the blinding light felt like it would incinerate him on the spot.

Next thing he knew he was laying next to Brian. His hand was on Brian's chest and he could feel the rapidly beating heart that matched his own. He looked at Brian whose eyes were closed and whose mouth hung slightly open. He raised his hand and brushed the sweaty hair from Brian's forehead.

He heard Brian take in a deep breath and looked into the now open hazel eyes. Brian smiled at him.

"That was awesome," Brian whispered.

"Awesome," Justin agreed. He snuggled closer to Brian.

Justin felt Brian pull the covers up around them. Maybe he would stay all night. He'd like that. They stayed that way for awhile recovering from the delicious aftereffects of what they had just done.

"Brian…" Justin said. He needed to make his position clear.

"Mm," Brian replied sleepily.

"Do you want me to stay all night?" he asked praying that the longing wasn't evident in his voice.

"Um … I … I thought you had an early class tomorrow."

"I do?" Justin said puzzled by Brian's hesitancy. "I can leave from here. It will give us more time together."

"Um … there's a problem with that."

"Problem? What problem?"

"I have someone coming over at midnight."

Justin sat up. "You mean you scheduled," and he spat out that repulsive word, "someone in after me tonight?"

"Uh … yeah."

"Fucking asshole!" Justin erupted.

"I didn't think you'd be able to stay," Brian said lamely.

"I'm sorry to ruin your plans. Heaven forbid, that your fucking dick, and I mean that literally, might be deprived of a hole for a minute or two."

Justin threw back the covers and stood up. He had the greatest urge to kick Brian in his goddam balls. That might slow HRA down for a second or two. He turned abruptly refusing to stoop to that level. He began grabbing his clothes from wherever he could find them.

"Justin…" Brian called, as Justin pulled on his jeans and hunted for his socks and shoes.

He refused to answer. He was afraid he might cry if he opened his mouth. He was going to get out of here with at least one small piece of his dignity still intact.

"Justin," Brian repeated now standing naked at the top of the steps staring down at him. "I really didn't think you'd be able to stay."

Justin swallowed hard. "I came here tonight because I wanted to talk to you about your tricking. I'm not prepared to take it anymore. Apparently you have no intention of changing that, so I don't think I'll be coming back. You can schedule people whenever you like. Just leave me out of it."

"Justin," Brian said. Justin could have sworn he heard a little bit of pity, maybe sadness, in his voice. The last thing he wanted was Brian's pity.

"Don't worry," Justin said quickly. "No hard feelings. It just isn't working out."

"But…"

"See ya' around," Justin said pulling open the loft door.

"Justin, I could call the guy and tell him not to come."

"Yesterday! Why couldn't you have done that yesterday?" Justin screamed inside his head. Instead he turned to Brian defiantly and said aloud, "Tell me, Brian, what do you think this guy's going to give you that will be better than what we just did?" He really wanted an answer to that question.

"I … I don't know," Brian shrugged. "It'll be new … different."

"You know, sometimes you really are so fucking dense … and a fucking ass on top of it." Justin turned away.

"Justin…" Brian began but he really didn't know what else to say. "I don't understand," he managed to get out. "I thought we had an arrangement."

"We did … past tense. When you figure out what just happened, call me." Justin ran down the stairs. He couldn't bear to be in Brian's presence anymore. 

\-----

 

The noise and music and scent bombarded him as soon as he entered Babylon. He wasn't sure why he was there. The other night had been fun, different, exciting. Maybe that was what Brian found so captivating about doing other men. Justin wasn't sure that it held quite the same allure for him, but he had liked that feeling. Yeah, that feeling of power. That's what he had enjoyed and he planned to experience it again. Fuck Brian!

He had gone back to Daphne's after he left the loft. He cried himself to sleep. He had meant what he said. He wasn't going back to Brian's, not under the terms of their former agreement anyway. He wondered if Brian would ever get a clue about what they might have together. But that seemed less and less likely, especially since Brian fought it all the way.

So fuck Brian! HRA could fuck himself because Justin was there to enjoy himself and that was what he was going to do. He thought he'd start dancing and see what presented itself. That had worked pretty well the other night.

He bounced along to the techno beat, and voila, there was someone rubbing up against him. He looked at the guy. Not bad, but not really what he was looking for. He kept moving as the guy looked longingly after him. Justin smiled. He was the King of Babylon once. He could be again. He could have anyone he wanted, except HRA. He blocked that thought. He wasn't going to let anything spoil his good mood.

The next guy who approached caused Justin's cock to twitch. He was tall and slim and darkly beautiful. The man leaned in and whispered, "I want to fuck you."

Justin giggled in spite of himself. "You could suck me off."

"You got it, beautiful. Here or the backroom or my place?"

"Um … backroom," Justin decided thinking that going home with this guy might be more than he bargained for. 

They made their way to the backroom. No names were exchanged, but it didn't take long for the handsome stranger to have Justin's cock fully erect. He devoured it hungrily. Justin moaned and wriggled at the exquisite feelings the man was causing to course through his body. He closed his eyes, leaning against the wall and tweaking his nipples. The man had an amazing mouth, almost as good as someone else he knew. He snapped his mind away from that thought and concentrated on the fire in his groin.

He grabbed the guy's hair holding him still and fucking his face. He could feel his balls draw up and little jolts of electricity running rampant up and down his spine. The man swallowed around his cock, squeezing his balls at the same time. Justin cried out and came with a force he didn't want to compare to something else.

As the waves of pleasure began to subside Justin felt his softening dick slip from the man's mouth. The guy stood and kissed Justin deeply, transferring the taste of himself into Justin's mouth. Justin moaned again in complete satisfaction.

"Thanks, beautiful," the man whispered as he walked away.

Justin was kind of sorry to see him go. He glanced around as he zipped up his cargo pants. His eyes caught a pair of familiar eyes that stared into his very soul. Brian had been watching. Somehow that angered Justin, but it also made him gloat. Brian apparently had nothing better to do than check out how Justin's fucks were going. Justin smirked in spite of himself.

He stepped towards Brian. "Enjoy the show?" he asked with the smirk clearly evident on his face.

"I've seen better," Brian said sarcastically.

"In your dreams."

Brian was about to say something sarcastic but decided to keep his mouth shut. He watched Justin walk away back to the dance floor. He wondered if the blond would make another trip to the backroom tonight. He hoped not. There was something vaguely disturbing about seeing Justin act so much like Brian always did.

Brian slowly made his way out of the backroom. He sloughed off the men who groped him or called out or made some other kind of pass. He could still have his pick of the men at Babylon. His reputation as an excellent fuck was still intact and he could have had his dick sucked many times over as he left the backroom. He wasn't quite sure why he didn't avail himself of some of the willing mouths that he passed by.

Once he came through the doorway he glanced around looking for … a certain blond, if he was truthful with himself. He saw Justin dancing amid a group of admirers. The kid was a good dancer as well as one good looking man. He was also a great fuck. Brian shook his head. What had the little twat done to him? He couldn't be missing him, could he? It had only been three days. What the fuck was going on? He needed a drink.

Brian made his way to the bar. He ordered a double Beam and tossed it back quickly. He leaned against the bar and watched … him. Fuck! Why did his eyes always end up at the same place? Had the little blond boy ass bewitched him?

As quickly as that idea flashed through his mind he squashed it. He needed to get out of here. Maybe he'd go to Meathook. A good hard fuck with some guy in leather might force the image of Justin far, far away. He made his way towards the exit. Before he left the dance floor his eyes went once more to the blond head. He could see hands all over Justin and his stomach twisted in reaction. 

"Fuck!" Brian said aloud before he realized that he was verbalizing his thoughts. He needed to get a fucking grip.

\-----

Justin danced for a long time. He felt hands grasp him and squeeze him. He heard whispered invitations and blatant demands. He smiled and kept on dancing. He loved this feeling of freedom and power. He could choose anyone he wanted or he could refuse them all. He should have done this a long time ago.

Earlier he had felt Brian leave Babylon. It was weird. He had been dancing in a group of men. They were all over him after he came out of the backroom. Somehow he knew Brian's eyes were on him. He could always feel Brian's presence. The hairs on the back of his neck always knew. The little jolt of realization that Brian was near always alerted him. But mostly his heart would skip a beat. His fucking heart!

And then Brian was gone. All the indicators of his presence stopped working and Justin felt … a loss. That was it, a loss. There had always been some kind of inexplicable connection between the two of them. Justin wondered if it would eventually fade when they no longer saw each other, no longer talked, no longer … touched.

Justin shook his head. He was having fun. Why did he have to keep reminding himself of that? He was thirsty so he headed for the bar. A few of his admirers followed offering to buy him drinks. He accepted. He had little money and if they were willing to pay, let them. He'd get a nice little buzz going and then he'd let somebody blow him in the backroom. He could get used to this life. He kept telling himself that.

\-----

Brian stood outside the front door of Babylon. He wasn't sure why he had come there tonight but he had felt compelled. That goddam Justin had ruined his evening. He hadn't even been able to enjoy a blowjob. He shook his head.

Meathook would be interesting for tonight, but what was he going to do tomorrow and the next day and the next? Shit! He was pathetic. He could have any man he wanted … except the one he really wanted.

How could he have been so stupid? Justin had said that if he had only sent that guy away when Justin was making dinner, then things could have continued as they had been. He had loved having as many different men as he wanted. Variety was good … and exciting. But if he was truthful, they weren't half as exciting as Justin. He could call Justin when the fuck turned out to be less than stellar. Justin would come over and they would fuck each other senseless. That kid had become a real master. He had even surpassed Brian in some ways. Nobody gave a blowjob like Justin did.

He felt the image of Justin rise in his brain. There he was on the dance floor with hands all over him. He wanted to go back in there and throw those slimy paws off his… Brian couldn't complete that statement. Justin wasn't his anything anymore. He felt something clutch at his gut. What the fuck was the matter with him? He couldn't be … jealous, could he? He didn't do jealous.

Brian began walking towards Meathook. He didn't go there often, but sometimes like tonight, it was just what he needed. He wouldn't need it though, if a certain blond was waiting for him at home.

"Fuck, Kinney, get a grip," he muttered to himself.


	3. Bewitched and Bewildered

Brian stood in the alley outside Babylon. The blue strobe lights passed over him from time to time. He was having what could only be described as a battle with himself. He was usually totally confident in his decisions whatever they involved, but here he was … dithering. He couldn't believe it.

He had decided to go to Babylon feeling an itch that needed to be scratched. Babylon was the ideal place to pick up a trick. It was easier than Woody's where conversation often had to be made. It wasn't as easy as the baths, but he really wasn't in the mood for that. He had been to Meathook the other day, and he wouldn't return there any time soon. So what was the problem?

The problem was who was in there dancing up a storm. He was sure a certain blond would already be inside the club. He had seen Justin in there several times now. The kid was always surrounded by admirers. They had their hands all over him. They bought him drinks which Justin seemed all too willing to accept. And then … and then they would take him to the backroom … or maybe it was that he would take them to the backroom. Brian wasn't sure which was worse. 

He shuddered in spite of himself. He had watched Justin let them suck him off. He had witnessed that several times now, and each time he had wanted to rip their fucking heads off. But Justin had let them do it, had seemed to enjoy it, had even looked Brian defiantly in the eye when it was over.

That was what really got to Brian, that look of defiance. He couldn't believe that his Justin could behave like this. It was so out of character for Justin to have public sex, especially with anyone other than him, and with multiple partners in the same evening. What the fuck had come over the boy?

And more to the point, what the fuck had come over him? Why should he care what Justin did, why should he care who he was with, why should he care that Justin drank and fucked in front of everyone? Brian had no answers to his own questions. He refused to believe that he was jealous. He refused to believe that he was worried about the silly blond twat. He refused to admit that he wanted him back. But for some fucking reason he cared … he really cared what happened to Justin and he didn't like one little bit the direction that Justin's life seemed to be taking.

"Enough," he said aloud. "Go in and enjoy yourself."

"I can help you do that," said a good looking young man who passed Brian and started up the steps to Babylon. He turned and winked.

"Not my type," Brian thought, "but there will be lots of other possibilities inside."

Brian climbed the stairs to the door. He felt like he had aged twenty years since the last time he was there. He needed a drink and maybe some E and then he would be ready to party. He could do this. He would enjoy this.

Brian checked his coat and walked to the bar. He looked around the dance floor. He knew he was looking for Justin. There were a couple of blonds that he spotted but he knew they weren't Justin before he even got a look at their faces. Justin wasn't there. He breathed a sigh of relief.

He ordered a drink and looked around. Suddenly Emmett was at his elbow. 

"Hey there," Emmett gushed. "Buy a fellow a cosmo."

"Sure," Brian said signaling the bartender.

"Thanks," Emmett said taking a sip of his drink. "Looking for someone in particular?" he asked noting that Brian's eyes were constantly sweeping the dance floor.

"A likely prospect," Brian said tongue in cheek.

"Is that right?"

"Why wouldn't that be right?"

"Oh, I just thought maybe you were looking for a certain blond who has been here every night this week." Emmett smiled knowingly at Brian.

Brian felt like he had just been busted, but more than that he wanted some information. "I haven't been here for a couple of days. Are you telling me that Justin's here every night?"

Emmett nodded. "And usually still here when I leave."

"Shit!"

"Somebody really ought to talk to that boy."

"Why don't you?"

"Not my problem. We all have free will."

"So why are you telling me this?"

"Just thought you might be interested."

"Well I'm not," Brian said brusquely. Justin was not his responsibility.

"Riiiiiiiight," Emmett said drawing the word out into about fifteen syllables.

"Besides he's not here tonight."

Emmett gave him another knowing look. "Sure he is. He's in his favorite spot … in the backroom."

"Fuck!"

"Probably. Ta,ta, I see someone's long hard cock calling to me." Emmett put down his empty glass and did his "Praise Jesus" move over to a man with no shirt and leather pants that left nothing to the imagination.

Brian pushed away from the bar. He knew he was going to the backroom, and it wasn't for the usual reason. He couldn't stop himself. The backroom was crowded but it didn't take Brian long to spot Justin. He was behind the blue plastic flaps. Could that be an attempt at modesty? As he drew closer he could see that Justin had the trick shoved against the wall. His dick was firmly planted up the guy's ass and he was riding him hard. 

Brian felt his own cock stiffen. He couldn't drag his eyes away … he and twenty other guys who were enjoying the show as well. The trick was moaning like crazy. Brian took a step closer. He could see Justin's thick cock disappear into the man's hole and then reappear in time for the next thrust. Justin's eyes were wide open, not closed like they often were when Justin fucked him. Justin seemed to be daring the onlookers to watch, to comment, to enjoy. His mouth was slightly open and the pink lips were red like he had been kissing the guy before.

Justin grunted and grabbed the trick's hair. He yanked the man's head around and stuck his tongue into his mouth. The man whimpered and grabbed his cock. Brian could tell that the trick had just about reached his limit. Justin continued to pound into the man. With what could best be described as a roar the man shot his load all over the wall and that caused Justin to fall over the edge and fill the condom. He grunted a couple of times, made a thrust or two more and then withdrew. He quickly pulled off the condom and pulled up his pants. The trick clung to the wall.

"Me next?" a young man called to Justin.

Justin gave him a blazing smile. "Maybe later. I need a drink."

Three guys offered to buy him drinks. Justin slung his arm around one of them and they started to make their way out of the backroom. As he passed Brian, Justin had the nerve to wink.

"Justin!" Brian said forcefully. The backroom went ominously quiet. Even those in midfuck stopped to see what was going to happen.

"That's my name," Justin said turning to face his former lover. "What do you want?"

"We need to talk."

"We needed to talk weeks ago. It's too fucking late now."

Justin turned abruptly, grabbed the man who had offered the drink and continued blithely on his way.

Brian fumed. He wanted to kill Justin for being so rude and brushing him off. He wanted to castrate all the backroom bozos who stood waiting with bated breath to see what he would do. He wanted the floor to open up and swallow him.

"Don't you all have something better to do?" he asked in a voice that he knew didn't sound half as sarcastic as he wished it did.

He marched out of the backroom directly to the coat check. He retrieved his jacket and stepped out into the cold night air. He had no idea where he was going, but he had to get away from Babylon.

\-----

Justin struggled to get the key into the lock. Finally he managed it and pushed the door open. He made his way slowly towards the futon. He was almost there when he kicked a chair leg and tripped. He went sprawling onto the futon and immediately started to giggle.

"What the fuck?" Daphne said coming out of the bedroom and flipping on a light.

Now that Daphne was awake Justin burst into outright laughter. He no longer tried to stifle it.

"Are you drunk?" she asked frowning.

"Well, duh," Justin retorted which set off another gale of laughter.

Daphne looked at the clock. It was three-thirty. 

"Justin, what the fuck do you think you're doing? We both have classes tomorrow. It's late."

"I'm just having a good time, Daph. I let lots of guys buy me drinks and then they blew me in the backroom."

"That's truly something to be proud of. Get undressed."

"You want to blow me too?" Justin giggled.

"No thanks. I want you to get into bed so that I can get a couple of hours of sleep before I have to get up and go to class."

"You're not much fun."

"Apparently you are," Daphne said with disapproval. "How did you get home? The buses stop running at two."

Justin giggled again. "This really cute guy had a car, so I offered to blow him if he'd drive me home."

"How enterprising of you! Justin, this has to stop. You have work and school and assignments. You can't keep staying up to all hours of the night fucking everything that moves."

"Why not? It's fun. It's exciting."

"It's becoming annoying."

"When did you get to be such a prude?"

"Since you keep interrupting my sleep. Your fun and excitement translates to my lack of sleep."

Justin stood up as Daphne continued to undress him. She had him down to his underwear as she pulled back the covers and shoved him onto the futon. 

"This has to stop."

"No, it doesn't. I can have any man I want … and I like that."

"Just because you can have them, doesn't mean you have to have them. I hope you're being careful."

"Of course I am. Brian taught me…" Justin stopped abruptly. He didn't want to think about Brian.

"It seems like Brian taught you a lot of things. Now go to sleep. I don't want to hear another peep out of you."

Justin was already snoring softly as Daphne shook her head and turned off the lights. She was going to have to do something about her best friend's new lifestyle.

\-----

Brian stood in front of the windows of the loft. He looked out at the street below. It was snowing a bit but it wouldn't hang around long by the look of it. He had come back to the loft after leaving Babylon. The urge to get his dick sucked had disappeared somewhere between seeing Justin with his cock up that guy's ass and the wink that the blond boy had so cheekily given him.

He had come home to his large empty loft … alone. He couldn't remember a time when the loft had seemed so foreign to him. He could feel how cold and forbidding it was. There was really very little of him there. He had his designer furniture but what good was that when he had no one to share it with.

He could only remember one other time when the loft had felt like this … after the bashing. He would come home to the loft sometime before dawn. He would collapse into the empty bed and hug the pillow against his body and pray for Justin to get well. Even when Justin had left him for Ethan he hadn't felt that bad. He had pushed Justin to make that decision. That had been his choice, to let the boy go and experience the romance that he so desperately wanted. He had no control over the bashing and he had no control over Justin leaving this time. Maybe that was the true significance of what had happened. He no longer had control. He was beginning to realize that Justin had that now. There was nothing he could do to make the boy come back, at least nothing that he was prepared to do.

Brian knew that he would not sleep tonight. He was way past even trying. He found the remote for the TV and switched it on. There were slim pickings at four in the morning. He actually ended up watching an infomercial telling him how he could make his fortune by buying up foreclosed properties and reselling them for millions. All he had to do was send the guy a couple hundred bucks to find out his tried and true technique. Brian snorted and shut off the TV. He climbed the stairs to the bedroom.

The bed clothes lay all in a heap where he had tossed and turned and thrown them about. He could almost picture a blond head on the pillow and a lithe, slender body with alabaster skin spread out in all its glory on Justin's side of the bed. That had been Justin's side from the first time they were together.

He remembered awaking that first morning to the alarm, and finding those guileless blue eyes staring at him. He had had trouble remembering everything from that night, but he knew that the kid had worn him out. Justin had been a virgin. Justin had learned to love sex that night … thanks to him. He had taught the boy so much about sex, about being a man, about being the best homosexual.

In a way though, other than the sex, he had really taught Justin very little. Justin knew his worth even though Brian had done his best to belittle him … at first. Then he saw the fearlessness of the little twat. He wanted Brian and nothing was going to stop him from getting him, not Mr. Goodfuck, not his fucking father, not even Brian himself. As Debbie said he had wormed his way in despite everything Brian had done to stop him.

And gradually Brian had begun to accept what was happening. Of course the road was a rocky one – the burglary of the loft, the bashing, the fucking fiddle player. And now this. He had no idea what he could do about it, but he knew something was missing from the loft now. Something was missing from his life too.

He could always replace the fuck that Justin provided, but he could never replace the enthusiasm, the body, the brain or the love. Justin had loved him, an emotion that he was all too unfamiliar with. He had denied it for a long time, pretended that Justin was too young to know what he wanted, stated that there was no such thing as love. Then Debbie had made him face the fact that maybe he did love Justin too, just maybe.

And now he had ruined it all again because he refused to give up a meaningless fuck and have the dinner that Justin had so lovingly prepared for him. He knew that wasn't the real reason for Justin leaving, but it was a prime symptom of what was wrong with their … relationship … or lack thereof.

What the fuck was he going to do?

He threw himself down on the bed and stared at the ceiling. He would rest for the next hour or two and then go into work early. Maybe that would take his mind off blond hair and blue eyes and a warm, caring touch.


	4. Bewitched and Bewildered

Brian pushed open the door to the diner. He was meeting Michael and Emmett for breakfast before they went to the gym. It was Saturday morning and almost a week since he had last seen Justin. He hoped the blond wasn't working today.

He had studiously avoided Babylon all week. He had been to Woody's only once and that was when he was sure that Justin wasn't in there. He had decided that if Justin was finished with him, then he was finished with Justin. He could live without him … maybe. He had to admit that he hadn't enjoyed the time since Justin left the loft that night. He had found a trick a few times but he had to also admit that he didn't enjoy it much. He didn't know what was wrong with him. He kept thinking about Justin and what it was like with him. Nothing was very satisfying anymore. Now he had to smile and get through this fucking breakfast.

"Brian, over here," he heard a voice call.

He looked up realizing that he had been standing just inside the door lost in thought. Michael was calling and waving him over to their table. He forced his feet to move.

Michael reached up and gave him a peck. "What were you doing over there?" Michael asked. "You looked like you were solving the world's problems."

"Um … thinking about an ad campaign that I'm working on. I need a good idea," Brian lied.

"Well, forget about business for the next couple of hours," Michael told him. "We need to catch up. So what have you been doing all week?"

"Nothing much," Brian stated. He glanced at Emmett who gave him a knowing look.

Michael noticed the tacit exchange. "What? Am I missing something here?"

Brian shook his head. "Have you ordered yet?"

"Where's that pesky waiter of ours?" Emmett asked looking around. Just then Justin came out from the back carrying an empty tub that was used for dirty dishes. Brian's back was to him. "There he is," Emmett said with an evil grin. "Justin, we're ready to order."

Brian felt the color drain from his face. He quickly shifted in his seat straightening his back and girding his loins, so to speak, as he prepared to face Justin and his defiant attitude.

"Yeah?" Justin said hauling out his order pad and a pencil.

Emmett watched Brian's body language and knew he was right. The man was fighting to maintain his blasé façade, but he was dreading facing his former lover. "I'll have the blueberry pancakes with a side of bacon," Emmett said with a smile.

"Sure," Justin said. "You?" he asked looking at Michael and studiously avoiding looking at Brian.

While Michael ordered his usual platter of fats and carbs, Brian's eyes flickered up to Justin's face. He knew Emmett was watching him but he couldn't stop himself. Brian almost gasped aloud. Justin looked like shit. There were dark rings under his eyes and he looked like he hadn't slept for a week. He seemed to sway slightly like he was fighting to stay upright.

"Next," Justin said finally looking at Brian.

"Coffee," Brian managed to get out.

"That all?"

"Yeah … and a word of advice. You look like shit. Maybe you should cut back on the partying for a day or two." Brian felt Emmett's eyes soften as they studied him. He knew the man approved of his cautionary note to the blond.

"Piss off, Brian. The days of me listening to you are long gone."

Justin walked away putting the order in at the window.

"What the fuck's the matter with him?" Michael asked. "He does look a little the worse for wear. Have you been keeping him up all night fucking?" Michael asked with a smirk.

"Fuck off, Michael," Brian said standing up and grabbing his coat.

"Brian?" Michael whined.

Brian threw some money on the table. "I'm not going to the gym," he said and marched out of the diner.

"What the fuck's going on?" Michael asked Emmett.

Justin arrived with coffee as Brian slammed out of the diner. "He doesn't like being around me since I dumped him," Justin said defiantly.

"You dumped him?" Michael asked in disbelief. "Again?"

Justin wanted to pour the pot of coffee over Michael's brainless head, but instead he filled the cups and walked away.

"Why doesn't anybody tell me anything? When did this happen?" Michael asked.

"A little over two weeks."

"How come I didn't know?"

Emmett shrugged. "It's common knowledge around Babylon. Justin's been spending a lot of time in the backroom lately."

"But not with Brian?"

"Sometimes they're both in there, but mostly Justin. In fact I don't think Brian's been there all week. He…"

"What?" Michael asked when Emmett hesitated. 

"I don't think Brian likes to see Justin practicing all the pain management techniques that he so thoughtfully taught him."

"Shit!" Michael said. "I can't believe he's done this to Brian again."

"Brian will survive. He always does," Emmett observed. "Justin … I don't know. He is looking a little … wasted."

"Fuck him! I'm worried about Brian."

"Of course you are, sweetie." Emmett watched Justin yawn and pick up some orders at the window. He wondered how long the young man could continue what he was doing.

\-----

Brian clicked on the porn site. He was looking for someone who could distract him from thoughts of Justin. Where was Mr. Goodfuck when you needed him?

The door buzzer sounded. Brian sighed and ignored it. He had found someone claiming to have a ten inch cock and no inhibitions. Brian was interested.

The buzzer went off again with someone obviously really wanting in. "Michael," Brian thought. "Shit!" That was the last person he wanted to talk to right now. The buzzer stopped again. Maybe he would just go away.

Momentarily the buzzer started up again and it seemed like whoever was down there was leaning on it with no intention of stopping. Brian got up from the computer and headed to the intercom.

"What?" he demanded in his most nasty voice.

"Brian?" a female voice said. It wasn't Lindsay or Debbie, thank God. 

"Who is this?" Brian asked.

"It's Daphne. I need to talk to you."

"Fuck!" Brian said into the intercom. He didn't care. He didn't want to talk to anybody and that included her.

"Brian, please," she pleaded.

He sighed debating just walking away and leaving her standing down there. Finally he pushed the button allowing her entry. He slid the loft door back a bit so she could get in when she arrived on his doorstep. He went back to the computer. He was tempted to get in touch with "Ten Your Way" as the guy called himself, but he clicked off the site as he heard the elevator come up and stop.

The loft door slid back some more. Daphne stuck her head in and said, "Brian?"

"Come in," he said formally.

"Thanks for letting me in," she said.

"Do you want a drink? I have some water or soda left over from…" He stopped there and they both knew whose soda it had been.

"I'll have a Coke if you have one," she said unbuttoning her coat. She tossed it on one of the barstools.

Brian got her a can of Coke and a glass. He carried them over to the living room and signaled for her to sit down on the sofa. He took the armchair.

"So what do you want to talk to me about?" Brian asked, like he didn't know already.

"Justin."

"Yeah, I figured. What about him?"

"He's gone crazy," she said not knowing how else to explain her roommate's bizarre behavior.

"Crazy is a strong word," Brian said carefully. "What do you mean?" He wanted her take on what was going on with Justin.

Daphne sighed. She knew Justin would kill her if he knew she was there, but something had to be done. "He's at Babylon every night. He comes home at all hours, usually drunk. God only knows what he does at Babylon."

Brian knew only too well what he was doing at Babylon. "And the problem is?" 

"Don't be a smartass, Brian. You know as well as I do that this isn't Justin. For fuck sake, it's you!"

Brian felt her words like a slap in the face. It was true. Justin was behaving just like him. "And what do you expect me to do about it?" Brian asked frowning. Truthfully he didn't know what he could do.

"I don't know. But something has to be done. He looks like shit. He can hardly drag himself out of bed in the mornings. He's been missing classes and I know he has a ton of assignments that need to be done."

"Shouldn't you be talking to his mother?"

"HRA," Daphne mumbled shaking her head at the folly of having come here.

"What?" Brian asked. He had heard what she said. He wanted to know what it meant.

"Nothing," she mumbled.

"You said 'HRA'. What does that mean?"

Daphne felt herself blushing. "It's not important," she said hoping Brian would drop it.

"Tell me or this conversation is over."

"Okaaaay," she said. "You're not going to like it. When Justin came home that day after making you dinner and being sent away in favor of your latest trick, he told me about how insensitive you were and I called you 'His Royal Assholeness' and we sort of shortened it from there." Brian chuckled. "You're laughing," Daphne said in disbelief.

"Well, it is kind of funny … and I sort of like being relegated to the ranks of the infamous royals."

"Only you," Daphne said shaking her head.

"So what did you tell Justin to do when he told you his little tale of woe?"

"I told him to … dump you."

"You what?" Brian could barely believe his ears. Daphne was always one of his staunch supporters. "Why?"

"Because you were treating him like shit and you had no intention of changing. I like you, Brian … most of the time, but I'm not going to support your fucking around on my best friend."

"But he knew going in…"

"I know, I know, he said it was all right. But Brian, you had to know it wasn't really all right with him. You know him better than that."

"Then why make the bargain?"

"Jesus, sometimes men are so fucking stupid! He made the bargain because he loves you and he was miserable being away from you. He would have agreed to anything to have another chance."

Brian stared at her assessing the truth of her words. He knew Justin loved him. He always knew that, even though they drove each other insane sometimes. "But he said he knew … his place," Brian said lamely.

"He did. He told me how he would have to get up from your bed and leave so that the eleven o'clock trick could take his place. He put up with that for a long time … for you. But how do you think that made him feel?"

"Not so good, I guess," Brian admitted frowning as the light finally dawned about just how shitty he had been, how he had rubbed Justin's face in it. He always knew that Justin hated his tricking and he had been so blatant about doing it since their reconciliation.

"How much did you expect him to take? I would have kicked your ass six ways to Sunday if you had tried to pull that shit with me. I told him not to take it anymore."

"And look what happened."

"I admit this isn't quite the outcome I wanted. I expected…" Daphne drew in a deep breath and forged ahead. "I expected you to act like a man and make it right. I thought you loved him at least half as much as he loves you."

"I do … care for him," Brian said with a hint of tears appearing in his eyes. He blinked them back noting that his pause had caused an interested look from Daphne. Maybe he had revealed more than he intended.

"So what are you going to do about this?" Daphne demanded.

"Nothing."

"Nothing?" she shrieked at him. He blinked and looked away. "What do you fucking mean by nothing?"

"I don't know what I can do. He won't talk to me. He tells me to piss off every time I get near him. He's through with me," Brian admitted sadly.

"Are you through with him?"

"I don't have a choice."

"You most certainly do," Daphne stated.

"I do?"

"Don't you think if you finally grew some balls and told him how you really feel about him that he would come racing back to you?"

"Let's leave my balls out of this. I … I don't know if I can say those things to him."

"Then there's no point in talking about this anymore," Daphne said standing up and starting over to the counter to get her coat.

"Wait. You really think he would come back if I asked him?"

"If you promise to try to have some kind of relationship, if you told him that you loved him." She stopped, seeing the look of panic on Brian's face. "Hell, if you cared enough to send a fucking Hallmark card, you'd have him in a heartbeat. Don't you get it? He loves you. It's not the assholes at Babylon that he wants, it's HRA."

"I really am an asshole, aren't I?" Brian asked plaintively.

"You don't really want me to answer that, do you?"

Brian shook his head. "But how can I make him listen to me? He won't talk to me."

"For Christ sakes, Brian, you're the advertising executive. How do you make people pay attention and listen every day?"

"Oh," Brian said. 

She could see the wheels turning in his head. That was a good sign. She picked up her coat and started to put it on. Brian remained silent thinking.

"Brian," she said. He looked into her eyes. "I'm really worried about him. Please help him. Do what you know is right for both of you … please."

Suddenly Brian had her in a hug. She closed her eyes and hugged back. She so hoped she had done the right thing.

"You're a good friend to him, Daphne. He's lucky."

"I hope so. Don't make me regret coming here today."

"I'll try," he promised, and he really meant that.

Brian slid the loft door closed after he watched Daphne disappear down the elevator shaft. He had a lot to think about.

Daphne was a good friend to Justin. She was worried about him. Brian had been worried too, although he had steadfastly refused to admit that. It seemed like there were a lot of things that he was being forced to admit, things that he'd rather not face. But maybe it was time.

He thought about going into Babylon the other night and feeling old. He hated that feeling. He wasn't old … not yet, but he might be someday if he lived long enough. He had never really thought about living to be old. He just assumed that he would go out in a blaze of glory like James Dean or Jimi Hendrix. Then he would always be young and beautiful in the memory of others.

The only trouble with that idea was that he wasn't sure that anybody cared enough about him to remember, anybody other than Justin. Gus might, but he saw so little of his son. He needed to rectify that. But first he needed to deal with the Justin situation. 

For all Justin's bravado Brian had trouble believing that he was having as much fun as he was letting on. He was going through the motions and he seemed to enjoy all the attention, but it could get old fast. He certainly knew about that. He knew how hard he had to look to find someone new and interesting. He had almost given up on interesting since Justin. Justin was by far the most interesting trick he had ever had. And that was because Justin wasn't a trick. It may have started out that way, but from the moment he had let the kid stay, go to the hospital with him and name his son, Justin had ceased to be a trick. Maybe it was time to stop treating him like one.

Brian slumped down on the couch. He needed to get some things straight in his head and in his heart before he went to confront the stubborn little blond.


	5. Bewitched and Bewildered

Brian stood outside the diner. It was Sunday afternoon and Daphne had told him that Justin was working from eleven to three. It was almost three. He was going to try to get Justin to come with him for their long overdue talk.

He pushed open the door and groaned. Debbie was behind the counter. The last thing he needed was to have this play out in front of her. He would have to adjust his plan.

He sat at the counter and Debbie poured him a coffee.

"So what brings you here all by yourself this afternoon?" she asked with her usual nosy cheerfulness.

"No reason," Brian lied looking around for Justin. Maybe he had already missed him. That might be for the best.

No such luck, as Justin came out from the back putting on his jacket as he did. He gave Brian a glance and immediately turned his eyes away. 

"See ya', Deb," he called as he quickly left the building.

Brian dropped five dollars on the counter and stood up. 

"You better hurry if you want to catch him," Debbie said knowingly. Brian groaned. "The bus will be coming by any minute now."

Brian knew there was no sense in pretending anymore. He ran out the door looking down the street towards the bus stop. He saw Justin almost there and the bus was making its way along. It would pick him up in a minute.

"Justin!" Brian called.

He saw the blond hesitate and look back. The bus went past Justin and stopped at the corner. Justin took another look at Brian, raised his middle finger and ran for the bus. He must have caught it because when it pulled away it took all traces of Justin with it.

"Fuck!" Brian growled. He had spent all morning getting ready for what he was going to say to Justin. Now he would never even get a chance. It seemed like everything was conspiring against him.

He made a quick decision and got into the Corvette. He gunned the engine spinning around and facing the same direction as the bus. He was going to talk to Justin one way or another.

He trailed the bus for block after block slowing whenever the bus stopped to let someone off. He thought Justin was probably going back to Daphne's but he didn't want to take a chance on Justin getting off somewhere else. Finally the bus reached the corner of Daphne's street. Brian saw Justin get off and start walking down the sidewalk. He waited for the bus to slide back into traffic. He turned the corner and pulled up alongside the blond who continued to stride ahead without a sideways glance at Brian. 

Brian pulled a little ahead, stopped and rolled down the window. As Justin approached he said, "Justin, get in, please. I need to talk to you."

To his surprise Justin stopped walking and turned to look into the car. He opened the door and climbed in. "Since you asked so nicely," he said with a smirk. "What do you want to talk about?"

"Can we go get coffee or something?" Brian asked stalling the inevitable.

"I've had all the coffee I want for today. Tell me what this is about. Why were you following me?"

"I told you that I want to talk to you, but you keep ignoring me."

"True," Justin said without any remorse whatsoever.

"What's gotten into you?" Brian asked truly bewildered by Justin's attitude.

"I decided that I've been little Sunshine for far too long. Now I'm doing what I want to do."

"And that means getting drunk and flunking out of school?" Brian asked hoping his sarcasm would break through Justin's shell of indifference.

"You forgot fucking every good looking guy that I see," Justin said with a grin.

"I don't know who you are anymore."

"Good, because that person that you used to know was a fucking wimp. He's no longer part of the equation."

"So what is this new and improved Justin planning on doing with his life?"

"He's going to have the best time he can find. He's going to screw and drink and drug and not have a worry in the world," Justin said confidently.

Brian snorted. "And what will you do when you're too old to keep this up or you're dead?"

"Why I think I'll become an ad exec just like someone else I know."

"Fuck you, Justin! You're making a mess out of your life. You need to straighten up."

"You sound just like my fucking father. Don't you know that I'll never be straight?"

"Stop playing word games with me and look at what you're doing with your life."

"What the fuck difference does it make to you what I do with my life? It's mine, not yours." Justin snorted. "Like you've led such an exemplary existence."

"Compared to what you're doing I have. At least I finished school and made something of myself."

"Yeah, a lonely, selfish fuck machine! You have a colossal nerve trying to tell me how to live my life."

"Justin," Brian began. He refused to take offense at Justin's words and decided to try a different tack. This one seemed to be getting him nowhere. "I didn't follow you to pick a fight. I'm trying to help you."

"I don't want your fucking help. I'm doing just fine and I want you to screw off and stay out of my fucking life!"

With that Justin threw open the door to the 'Vette and ran into Daphne's apartment building before Brian could say anything more.

"That went really well," Brian huffed as he peeled away from the curb.

\-----

Brian had been sitting at home wondering what he should do about Justin. The afternoon was gone and he still had no answers.

He had intended to tell Justin that he missed him, but he never got the chance. He realized that he had started out in the same old way, telling the boy what he should do with his life. That was exactly what Justin didn't want to hear. He was sure of that, and Justin's reaction had certainly proved it. And yet he just couldn't start by telling him what he was feeling. He just couldn't.

Maybe this was an omen. Maybe they really were finished. Maybe he should let it go. Maybe, maybe, maybe…

The door buzzer brought him out of his reverie. Who the hell was coming to crap all over him now? He ignored it. Whoever was down there buzzed a couple more times and then it stopped. Brian breathed a sigh of relief. The only one he wanted to talk to was Justin, and the boy had made it abundantly clear that he didn't want to talk to him. So whoever was at his door could go screw himself.

Suddenly he heard the loft door slide back. Fuck, he had forgotten to lock it once again.

"Brian?" Debbie's voice said softly.

Brian felt himself scrunch lower on the sofa. He didn't want to talk to her, didn't want to hear her tell him about how he had screwed up Justin's life, and mostly he didn't want to be told to go fix it when that was totally beyond his ability.

"Brian," Debbie said more forcefully. He knew she was standing right behind him now and he couldn't escape.

"I don't want to hear it, Debbie," he said without looking at her. "There's nothing I can do."

"That answers my question then," she replied. "I came to see if you made any headway with Sunshine. I see you didn't."

Brian stared at the floor not wanting to face the failure that Debbie was talking about. He heard the loft door slide and turned to see Debbie in the doorway about to leave.

"You're going without telling me what a shit I am?" he asked before he could stop himself.

"Apparently you have already correctly assessed your role in this. I need say no more. I'm not going to kick you when you're down."

Brian snorted. "Since when?"

"Brian…"

"Sorry," Brian said softly. He didn't want to fight with her.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?"

He didn't really … or maybe he did? He didn't know what he wanted anymore. "I don't know," he said honestly.

"I'm a good listener." Brian snorted. "Well, I try."

He knew she did. "Sit down," he said. "Want a drink?"

"I'd like a scotch but I'll settle for something fizzy."

Brian got up and went to the fridge. He brought her a glass of Perrier. Brian had a beer. He took a drink and slid into the armchair. "He wouldn't listen to me," Brian said sadly.

"I was afraid of that," Debbie said. "He won't listen to me either."

"Have you been trying to talk some sense into him?"

"Of course, I have. He looks like shit and he's missing school. He drags himself to work at the diner only because he needs the money to party."

"So what can we do about it?"

"It all comes down to what you're willing to do about it."

"What does that mean? I tried and he won't listen. I told you."

"What did you say to him?"

"I told him how I saw what he was doing. I tried to make him see that he was ruining his life."

"And how did he react to that revelation?"

Brian raised his eyebrow at the sarcastic tone to Debbie's voice. "He told me it was none of my business."

"And he's right."

"Then what the fuck are you doing here and why are we talking about this?"

"Because it is your business if you would talk to him about the two of you and your … relationship."

"We don't have a relationship … especially now."

"Isn't that the crux of the problem? If you had a relationship, Sunshine wouldn't be in the mess he's in."

"So it all comes back to being my fault? As usual!" Brian was getting angry.

"I didn't say it was all your fault, but at least half of it is. We all saw how you treated him after he came back to you. He tried to believe it was all right. I'm sure he told you it was. But it wasn't. And I think you knew that … know that … even now. That's what you need to talk to him about."

"When did you get the fucking degree in psychoanalysis?"

"It came with my mother papers."

Brian snorted but he knew she was right. "I tried to talk to him … several times. He won't listen."

"Then think of a new way to get his attention. Make him want to listen."

That was more or less what Daphne had told him. He had worked out a plan to do just that, but then he had chickened out. Nobody was going to call him romantic. He refused to be labeled with that word, but maybe he was going to have to … for Justin.

"Brian," Debbie whispered interrupting his thoughts. "I'm scared for him. He isn't used to the kind of life he's living. It could destroy him. Don't let that happen."

Brian sighed, but he knew now what he had to do. "I'm going to try," he said. "I'm going to really try."

\-----

Justin donned his clubbing duds. He loved his sparkly shirt. It always attracted attention. He'd get lots of drinks and have lots of trips to the backroom. He studied his face in the bathroom mirror. He wished he could do something about the black rings under his eyes. They weren't exactly attractive. Maybe he'd get somebody to give him some E when he got to Babylon. It wouldn't get rid of the rings but it would make him feel sexy as hell.

With a last look at his appearance he headed for the door to Daphne's apartment. Before he could grasp the knob the buzzer sounded. He opened the door. A delivery man stood there holding a basket all tied up with glittery clear paper and a gold bow.

"Yes?" he said thinking this must be something for Daphne.

"I have a delivery for Justin Taylor," the man said.

"Um … that's me," Justin replied surprised. The man handed him a pad to sign. He did so and brought the basket into the apartment. "Who would be sending me something like this?" he asked the empty room. He looked into the basket which contained a can of hot chocolate mix and a bunch of different chocolate candies and a bottle of gourmet chocolate sauce. Somebody knew he liked chocolate.

He rummaged in the paper looking for a card. Finally he found it. He held his breath as he opened it. It read: Thanks for the memories, R.A. (An Old Flame).

"Brian," was his first thought, but Brian would never do anything this sentimental, this romantic, especially after the way he had treated him this afternoon. It couldn't be Ethan. Ethan hated him. Besides he wasn't sure Ethan was even in town. He read the card again noting the R.A. that he had skimmed over before. That must be someone's initials. Maybe it was that trick from the other night, the one who really liked him, who kept begging him to go home with him. He couldn't remember his name but he had been cute and he had lots of money. It had to be him. Maybe he'd see him at Babylon tonight. If he did he'd have to thank him in a very special way. Justin couldn't wipe the grin off his face as he headed out to the bus stop. Babylon was going to be more fun than ever tonight.

\-----

Justin danced across the floor of Babylon. He was looking for the cute guy who had sent him the basket of chocolate. So far he hadn't seen him, but he was sure he'd be there tonight. He would want to be properly thanked for his gift and Justin was very ready to show his appreciation. His eyes scanned the room looking for the right face. He looked up at the catwalk and his eyes latched onto another pair of eyes.

"Shit!" he said aloud. "Brian."

He quickly glanced away and to his surprise he noticed the cute guy he was looking for. He was dancing with some loser on the edge of the crowd. He quickly forgot about Brian and began dancing towards his quarry.

"Hey," he said with his best smile as he came up to the guy.

"Hey," the guy responded smiling back. He seemed to be very ready to forget about the poor schmo he had been dancing with. 

Justin moved in. He placed his arms around the guy's neck and gave him a lingering kiss. Justin could feel the results against his thigh.

"What brought that on?" the guy asked breathlessly.

"I wanted to thank you for the other night and … for everything else," Justin said with a grin.

"What else can I do to earn some more of your appreciation?" the guy asked with a goofy grin.

"You could tell me your name," Justin grinned. He wanted to know and he had no idea what it was if the guy had ever told him.

"That's easy. I'm Ray."

Justin's smile grew even brighter. R.A. had to be Ray. "We could go to the backroom and I could continue to demonstrate my appreciation."

"Anything for you," Ray said breathlessly. Ray seemed to be awestruck with his unexpected good fortune.

Justin took Ray's hand and started to lead him to the backroom. He couldn't help but glance triumphantly up at the catwalk where Brian had been. The fucker was gone. Justin was sorry that Brian didn't see the little show he had just put on on the dance floor or the show he was going to give in the backroom.

Justin found a likely spot and pushed Ray against the wall. He leaned in and kissed the guy with everything he had. He ground his cock against Ray's until the man whimpered and gasped for air. Justin reached down and slowly slid the zipper on Ray's pants down. He hooked his thumbs inside the waistband and into Ray's underwear. He pulled bringing both down Ray's legs. The man's cock leaped out hard and stiff. Justin went with the pants dropping to his knees in front of Ray. His mouth engulfed the throbbing cock and sucked. Ray almost came with that simple action.

"Easy," Justin whispered releasing Ray's dick. You're going to love this."

Ray giggled uncontrollably. Justin shook his head for a minute, but then took the cock back into his mouth and began one of his best blowjobs. It turned out that Ray was extremely vocal. He called out Justin's name again and again. He moaned and groaned and gasped and cried out. Justin knew he was good at blowjobs but it seemed like this guy had never experienced anything like what Justin was doing to him. Finally Justin swallowed around the head and Ray came with a shriek. Justin milked him with his hand until he was finished shooting. He stood and pulled Ray's pants back up as the man lolled against the wall apparently unable to move or speak.

Justin glanced around noting all the eyes that were focused on him. Ray had certainly caught their attention with the noise he had made. And there was Brian staring at him with a disapproving look. Well, fuck Brian! It was none of his business.

"Are you ready to dance, lover?" Justin asked with his most husky voice.

Ray nodded still unable to get out a coherent thought. Justin took his hand and led him out of the backroom. At the door he looked back once more at Brian. Brian already had his dick stuck in someone's mouth. 

"So what?" Justin thought. That was a typical Brian reaction. He hoped the man enjoyed the blowjob because he was pretty sure it wouldn't be anywhere near as good as the one he could give him. But those days were gone. He swung Ray around and kissed him again. He wasn't through thanking him for the basket of chocolate, not by a long shot.


	6. Bewitched and Bewildered

Brian slid back the loft door and pushed his blond trick inside. It had been a few days since he had had a decent fuck, thanks to that little twat Justin. He had gone to Babylon tonight to see if Justin had changed his ways at all since their talk. He should have known better. If anything Justin was worse than ever. What Justin saw in that idiot, Ray, was beyond comprehension. They had put on quite a show in the backroom though. 

"Take your clothes off," Brian ordered the trick. "The bedroom's up there."

The man began unbuttoning his shirt as he climbed the steps. Brian went to the fridge to get a bottle of water.

His thoughts returned to Justin on his knees sucking Ray off. Usually it was Justin getting the blowjob not giving it. He wondered why this time had been different. Ray had shrieked like a girl. Brian snorted. Actually he could identify. Justin had made him want to do that many times, but thank God for his world renowned self control. He had whimpered and moaned but never resorted to shrieking like that. He shook his head. He was going to have to do something more to catch Justin's attention if he wanted to get anywhere with the boy.

"I'm ready," a voice called from the bedroom.

Brian shoved his thoughts aside, pulled off his wifebeater and made his way up the stairs. He was horny and he was going to do something about it right now. He just hoped he could keep the image of another blond out of his head while he fucked this one senseless.

\-----

Justin groaned as he felt hands pulling him back and forth.

"Wha'?" he managed to get out.

"Wake the fuck up, Justin!" Daphne told him. "It's two in the afternoon. You've missed all your classes today. I told you to get up before I left this morning."

"Ummmm," Justin moaned. He felt like crap, probably because of whatever shit Ray had bought for them last night at Babylon. They had hooked up for the last three nights and Ray was always willing to buy whatever Justin wanted. He always got a reward in return.

"Get up!" Daphne ordered.

"Don't want to," Justin said rolling over and turning his back to her.

"Justin, if you don't stop this idiotic lifestyle and start acting sensibly, I'm going to have to kick you out of here."

"You're kidding, right?" Justin asked rubbing his eyes and rolling back to face her.

"I mean it. Enough is enough."

"Well, fuck you, Daph! I'll move in with Ray … or somebody else that wants me."

"I want you, Justin, but not like this. I don't even know who you are anymore."

"Sometimes I don't know who I am either," Justin admitted being honest for the first time in a long time.

Daphne was surprised at Justin's confession. "Then why are you doing this?" Daphne asked in bewilderment.

Justin sighed. "I felt like I needed to take control. I wanted to be the one to choose who I would be with and what would happen. I liked the power of it."

"There's a difference between taking control and being out of control," Daphne said softly. She so wanted Justin to hear her. She had to get through to him, but she didn't want him to tune her out like he had been doing for weeks now.

"I … know. I guess I got a little carried away with it all," Justin admitted. "I don't really want to move in with someone else."

"What about the fantastic Ray that you keep chirping about?"

"I don't chirp," Justin said with a grimace. "Do I?"

"Sometimes. He sounds like a bit of an ass. He shouldn't be encouraging you to drink and do drugs."

"He's not exactly encouraging me. If I ask him, he'll get them for me."

"And that's a good thing?"

"Maybe not, but at the time…" Justin didn't finish that thought. He felt pretty crappy. Deep down he knew Daphne was right. If he was having so much fun he shouldn't feel like hell.

Daphne sat on the edge of the bed and wrapped her arms around Justin. He leaned his head on her shoulder and wanted to cry. His life was a piece of shit.

The buzzer indicating someone was at the door interrupted their tender moment. 

"I wonder who that could be?" Daphne said releasing Justin and heading to the door. She opened it to reveal a courier. He handed her an envelope and she signed for it. She closed the door as she read who it was addressed to. "This is for you," she said handing it to Justin.

He stared at it and then ripped it open. It was a CD – Rod Stewart's "The Great American Songbook Volume II". Attached was a post-it note saying, "Play Track 4, R.A. – Your friend". 

"What is it?" Daphne asked as Justin continued to stare at the note.

"It says to play Track 4." Daphne took the CD and popped it in. She hit four. "Why would Ray send me this Rod Stewart album?" Justin asked in bewilderment. This wasn't something he would choose to listen to.

"It's a duet with Cher," Daphne said reading the notes on the back of the CD. "Listen."

The song began and the very distinctive voices of Rod and Cher filled the apartment. The words were old fashioned, about brandy and Bromo Seltzer, about men not being a new sensation.

Justin frowned wondering what this was supposed to mean. Then the chorus began. "I'm wild again, beguiled again, a simpering, whimpering child again." Justin froze. "Shut it off, Daph," he ordered as the words "Bewitched, bothered and bewildered" played on.

"No," Daphne said. "Listen." Somehow she knew this was important.

"Couldn't sleep, wouldn't sleep, lost my heart, my mistake," the song continued. Justin picked up on the words that hit home. 

"I'll sing to him, cling to him, and worship the trousers that cling to him," the song went on. They both laughed out loud at that line.

"Someone knows you well," Daphne said with a grin.

Justin stuck out his tongue at her and then continued to listen.

"When he talks, he's seeking words to get off his chest. Horizontally speaking, she's at her very best." They laughed again. "We've seen a lot, I mean a lot and now we're like sweet seventeen a lot." Justin sucked in a breath at the word seventeen. Was that a coincidence?

"We're vexed again, perplexed again. Thank God we can be oversexed again." And the song ended with bewitched, bothered and bewildered once again.

When it was over Daphne shut off the CD player. "What do you suppose it means?" she asked.

"Especially the oversexed part," Justin chuckled. "I don't know what it means," Justin said truthfully.

"Who sent it?"

"Ray," Justin said handing her the post-it note. "But why would he send me something like that. It doesn't sound like him."

Daphne read the note. Something struck her immediately. "Why do you think Ray sent this to you?"

"It's signed R.A. That's his initials."

"Really?" Daphne asked. "What's his last name?"

"I … I don't know. I just know he's Ray."

"Then how do you know it's from him. His last name might not even start with 'A'."

"But … who else could it be?" Justin asked with a frown.

"HRA."

"What? What did you say?" Justin asked with a look of panic on his face. "Brian? It couldn't be. He doesn't even know about HRA."

"Oops," Daphne said with a sheepish grin.

"You told him? When?"

"I … um … went to see him a few days ago. I was worried about you."

"I'm going to strangle you, Daph," Justin said but without much conviction. He was interested that Daphne had gone to see Brian. He wanted to know what had happened. "So how did HRA happen to come up in the conversation?"

"He made me mad."

"And you called him His Royal Assholeness?"

"No, not exactly. I mumbled HRA because that's how he was acting." Justin raised his eyebrows like that went without saying. "He overheard me and I told him."

Justin giggled. "What did he do?"

"He laughed. He actually thought it was funny. I think he's been called an asshole so many times that he takes it as a compliment. He also liked being given a 'Royal' title."

"He would."

"I thought he'd be really mad when I told him."

"He always manages to surprise you," Justin said knowing that from personal experience. "What did you talk to him about?"

"You."

"Well, duh. I know that, but what happened?"

"He told me that you wouldn't listen to him, that you kept telling him to piss off. I told him to make you listen. I think this is his way of starting up a dialogue."

"That and the chocolate."

"He sent that too. Wow!"

"Yeah, it's very out of character for him."

"I know he was very worried about you, Justin, just like I am."

"I'm sorry to worry you. I … I'm going to cut back on Babylon."

"Good, and you should talk to Brian."

"Why? What good will that do? He'll never change and I don't want to be with him if he's tricking all the time."

"He sent you these things and you said it was out of character for him. Don't you think maybe that means that he's trying to change, at least a little?"

"I doubt it," Justin said some of the old defiance creeping into his voice. "I don't know what he thinks he's doing, if it actually is him sending this stuff."

"Is there anything on the envelope that might tell us more?" Daphne asked.

Justin handed her the envelope and she examined it for a minute. She shook her head and then looked inside. "There's a paper in here," she said pulling it out. She handed it to him.

It was a typewritten note saying that if he liked Track 4, he should listen to the rest of the album and see if it told him anything.

"Are you game?" Justin asked.

Daphne hit the play button and the old romantic songs began. Justin listened to them all wondering if Brian could have possibly been the one to send him such a sappy, mushy, totally romantic, unbelievably sweet album. He felt his anger melting with each successive song. It started with "Time after Time" and ended with "Our Love is Here to Stay". Justin kept shaking his head with each new song wanting to believe the sentiments that they expressed. More than that he wanted to believe that it was Brian telling him all these things.

He asked Daphne to play one track over again. It was called "My Heart Stood Still". It talked about laughing at lovers and having a heart of ice. Then the singer saw someone and his heart stood still. That was what had happened to Justin that night under the streetlamp. He wondered if maybe for a second that had happened to Brian too. This had certainly given him a lot to think about.

\-----

Brian walked into the mall. He hated this fucking place much preferring boutiques that catered to upscale clientele. Unfortunately there was no boutique that he knew of that could provide what he needed. He walked briskly down the mall hoping he could find the fucking store and get out of there in a hurry.

Finally he saw it. He could feel his jaw clamp shut and his teeth start to grind. He took a deep breath and stepped into the Hallmark store. It would soon be Valentine's Day and he was immediately bombarded with all the red streamers and hearts everywhere and fucking cupids hanging from the ceiling. 

"Fuck!" he muttered to himself. This was everything he despised.

Someone gave him a dirty look and he glared back at them daring them to say something. Luckily for them they quickly left the store. 

Brian made his way along the rows of cards. He might as well get one for Valentine's Day. By the time he mailed it and a certain someone received it, it would be February the 14th. Jesus, he hated this so called holiday. All it was was an excuse to make people spend money on stupid romantic crap in the hopes of getting lucky for one night. Heteros were pathetic and here he was in hetero heaven buying into the whole fucking idea. Justin fucking better appreciate this.

Brian picked up the first card he saw. He wanted to puke when he read the sickeningly sweet sentiment inside. He couldn't do it. He just couldn't buy one of these.

"May I help you, sir?" a female sales clerk asked.

Brian was about to tell her to fuck off when he realized that maybe she could do some of the grunt work for him if he told her what kind of card he wanted. "Do you have any Valentine's cards that aren't so … saccharine?" He had chosen the least offensive word he could think of to describe what he didn't want.

"Women tend to like saccharine," the bitch told him. "But we do have some humorous ones over here."

Brian considered for a moment. Humorous would be better but that wasn't what he wanted to convey to Justin. "No," he said. "No, I want romantic but not … sickening."

"Oh?" the woman said apparently pleased that he didn't want a humorous card. "These might be more what you're looking for," she said moving him down the aisle a little farther. "Check these," she said walking away.

He picked up the first card he noticed. It had a huge red heart on the front. Inside it said:

You mean everything to me  
Be my Valentine  
Life is nothing without you

Brian almost gagged. He could no more send that to Justin than he could declare his undying love. He turned to leave. There was nothing in this God forsaken place that he could stomach.

"Didn't like those either?" the same clerk asked.

"No," he replied curtly turning away.

"Wait. Maybe you're looking in the wrong place," she said. "What do you want the card to say?"

Brian hesitated. "That I miss someone," he finally said staring into her eyes and daring her to question him further.

"Oh," she said. "Try these." She led him further into the store where there were heart shaped balloons and scented candles and pictures of happy hetero couples in frames with hearts all over them. He wanted to throw up. This was too much.

"Here," she said pointing to a section.

"I don't think so," he said.

"Just look at one or two," she ordered and marched away.

He muttered some obscenities to himself drawing some more disapproving looks. He lifted up the first card and almost cried out in disbelief. It said almost exactly what he wanted. He headed to the desk wanting to get out of there as quickly as he could. 

"I see you found something," the same clerk said taking his money. "It always pays to be persistent."

"Yeah," Brian said grabbing the bag and getting out of the fucking place before he had a severe attack of indigestion. Justin better fucking appreciate this card when he got it.


	7. Bewitched and Bewildered

Brian finished writing the note in the card. He had decided he better get it ready to mail as soon as he got back from the mall. He signed with his real name instead of R.A. It was time to come clean. He hoped Justin had figured out who was sending him all the stuff. If he hadn't this card would make it clear once and for all.

He thought about his trip to the Hallmark store as he sealed the envelope and began to write Daphne's address on the outside. He shuddered as he remembered the God awful crap inside that place. At least he had found a reasonable card in the end, one that actually said what he meant. He hoped Justin would appreciate what he had done and what he was telling him. If he didn't… He didn't want to think about that.

The buzzer sounded signaling a visit from some other unwanted source. It would be somebody else telling him how he needed to run his life or what they expected him to fix. He sighed as he walked over to the intercom.

"Yeah," he said.

"Brian?"

It couldn't be but that sounded like Justin's voice. His heart leaped in his chest. "Justin?" he asked softly.

"Yeah, it's me. Can I come up?"

Brian pushed the button to release the door. He knew that Justin still had a key, but obviously he didn't want to use it. He wondered what that meant. His heart was racing. He knew he needed to get control of himself. He had to be careful what he said. He didn't want to piss Justin off again. He quickly ran through all the things that he was prepared to say and hoped that he had it right this time. He had to remember not to criticize what Justin had been doing. He wouldn't do that, he told himself.

He heard the elevator stop and he slid the door back. Justin stepped out. He looked so good despite the black rings under his eyes that Brian wanted to take him in his arms and kiss it all better.

Jesus, he was turning into a lesbian.

"Come in," he said trying to keep his voice level.

"Thanks," Justin said dropping his knapsack and taking off his jacket.

"Um … want something to drink?"

"Sure, have you got a beer?"

Brian went to the fridge. He got a couple of beers and brought them over to the sofa. He handed one to Justin who sat down. Brian decided to take the armchair feeling decidedly awkward about what might happen next. They each took a drink of beer and looked at the other. Neither of them knew what to say.

Finally Brian squirmed in his chair and said, "So what brings you here?"

Justin grabbed his knapsack and pulled out the CD. "This," he said.

"Oh," Brian replied. "You figured it out."

"With Daphne's help. I take it you are admitting that you sent this?" Brian nodded. "Why? What does it mean?"

"Didn't you get it?" Brian asked surprised. He couldn't believe Justin would have come there if he didn't understand what Brian had been trying to tell him.

"It was … ridiculously romantic," Justin said staring at Brian.

Brian smiled slightly. He liked that choice of words. Maybe Justin did get it. "It was meant to be."

"Really? It seemed out of character."

Brian frowned. "Why do you say that?"

"You're not exactly known for your romantic nature."

"I guess that's true," Brian said with a little sigh. "But a man can change."

"Is that what the CD was supposed to tell me, that you've changed?"

Brian nodded. Even now he found it difficult to admit that he was willing to change, that he might need to change.

"What kind of changes have you made?"

Brian cleared his throat. This was getting down to the bone. "I'm not so much changing as allowing a different side to show."

"How do you mean?" Justin asked needing clarification.

"Why did you say that the CD was ridiculously romantic?" Brian asked very seriously.

"When you were trying to help me remember the bashing, you danced with me to 'Save the Last Dance'. I asked you if we really danced to that corny old song and you said you preferred to think of it as ridiculously romantic."

"Yeah, I guess I did, but … that wasn't the first time I had said that to you."

"When else?"

"When we were in the parking garage after the prom, you said that it was the best night of your life. I said, 'Even if it was ridiculously romantic'."

"So maybe the CD isn't so out of character. You know I still only remember bits and pieces of that night."

"I know," Brian said softly.

"What made you send it?"

"What?"

"Don't be obtuse, Brian. The CD."

"I didn't know how else to get your attention and tell you …" Brian stopped not sure that he could continue

"Tell me what?" Justin asked holding his breath.

Brian decided that he had to take the plunge. "That I wasn't happy about what happened between us." He saw the look of disappointment on Justin's face. "That I wanted to make things right." Justin perked up a bit.

"What does that mean?"

"You're not going to cut me any slack, are you?" Brian asked. Justin shook his head. "I want you to come back," Brian finally managed to get out.

"Just like we were before?" Justin asked staring into Brian's eyes.

"Which time?"

Justin snorted. "We have had a variety of arrangements over the course of … our relationship," he added deliberately choosing to call whatever the hell it was that they had a relationship.

"So which set of rules do you want to follow?" Brian asked trying to keep his tongue out of his cheek.

"I … I don't want any rules. I seem to be the one who has trouble following them."

"Even when they are your rules," Brian said with a touch of sarcasm.

Justin screwed up his face. "You're not going to cut me any slack either, are you?"

Brian shook his head but gave Justin a little smile of encouragement. "So if we don't have rules, how are we going to do this?"

"You're really serious this time?"

"Yes, I am," Brian stated with conviction.

Justin smiled a true sunshine smile. "I like that," he said. "Maybe if I told you why I left we could figure out what to do about it." Brian nodded. "That night that I made you dinner and you came home with a trick…"

"Yes?" Brian asked indicating that Justin should continue.

"You made me feel less than scum on your shoes," Justin said honestly, staring at the floor, unable to meet Brian's gaze.

"But we had an arrangement."

"I know … but I also have feelings. I so wanted you to send him away."

"I … I should have."

"You mean that?"

"Yes, I do. I'm not as dense as you think I am. I have figured out that my tricking really bothers you."

"So, is there anything you can do about that?" Justin asked raising his eyes to Brian's.

"I've decided to cut back."

Justin snorted. "From thousands to hundreds?"

Brian glared at him. "If you come back I won't bring tricks to the loft and I'm going to try, and I stress try, to limit my tricking. In fact you might be able to fuck the need for it right out of me, if you're willing to work that hard."

"You mean that? There's a possibility that we could be more or less exclusive?"

"More or less," Brian said with a smirk.

"That's a faulty definition of exclusive, but I'll take it," Justin said with a smile.

"You will?"

"I know you'll try if you say you will."

"Then come here."

Justin was about to get up. The smile on his face was radiant. Suddenly he stopped himself. "No," he said. "I think it's up to you to make the first move."

Brian stared at him. "Okay." He stood up and pulled Justin to his feet. His arms went around Justin's back and he pulled the slender body against his. "I've missed you so much," he whispered into Justin's hair. 

Justin thought he had never heard sweeter words. He leaned his head against Brian's chest and they hung on to each other neither wanting to break the contact. Justin sighed contentedly. He knew they'd have sex soon. He could feel it between his legs and against Brian's groin, but this was nice, better than nice. It was perfect. 

He felt Brian push him away slightly and then his lips were captured in a smoldering kiss. He melted into Brian, into his mouth, into his arms and into his body. This was the only place he really wanted to be. The kiss deepened and he opened his mouth accepting Brian's tongue as it explored the recesses of his mouth. It seemed like they had been apart for so long. There was so much to rediscover.

Finally Brian broke the kiss leaving them both gasping for air and so hard that it was painful.

"God, I need you," Brian panted.

"Me too."

Brian pulled Justin's T-shirt over his head and so it began. Magically their clothes evaporated and naked they walked up to the bedroom. Gently Brian laid his lover down on the bed, their bed. He kissed him longingly and deeply. He licked down his throat nipping and sucking on all the good spots that he remembered.

Then it was Justin's turn. He kissed Brian's lips and sucked on the full bottom one eliciting appreciative puffs of breath. He worked his way down to Brian's nipples sucking and biting at them until they were dark and hard with desire. 

Brian shoved Justin back and worked down his chest to his navel. He rimmed it and plunged his tongue inside. Justin's back arched up and he almost came. "Brian," Justin called out grabbing the man's hair to stop him. "Please, I don't want to come until you're inside me."

Brian smiled and kissed him gently, giving him time to calm down. It gave him time to calm down too. He was overwhelmed with the smell and the taste and the feel of his lover. It was never like this with anyone else.

"Do you remember when you asked me what the trick could possibly give me that would be better than what we already did?" Brian whispered between kisses.

"Yes, you said it would be new and different."

"It was. But not better. Nothing and nobody comes close to what we have together."

Justin's sunshine smile radiated across the room. "Thank you for telling me that," Justin said softly.

"I mean it."

"I know. Now fuck me please."

Brian flipped him over and began rimming him. He cried out as Brian's talented tongue probed his hole. It pushed in further and further until he didn't think he could stand it anymore. He needed Brian's cock.

"Please, please, please," he whimpered.

He heard the cap of the lube pop open and felt the cool gel on his hole. Brian's fingers worked in and out and he thought he would pass out. He had missed this man so much. He heard the condom package tear and he knew his wait was over. 

"Ready?" Brian asked as he positioned his cock at Justin's pink hole.

"Oh God, yes!"

Brian chuckled and breached the first ring of muscle. Justin cried out but Brian waited until Justin had adjusted and pushed in further.

"You are always so fucking tight," Brian gasped as Justin's hole squeezed around him and tried to force him out.

"It's a talent keeping it that way," Justin gasped in response.

Brian laughed and lunged forward filling Justin completely. This is where he belonged. This was the body he craved. This was the brain that matched his own and challenged him. This was the only man that mattered. 

Brian thrust firmly and slowly using all of his techniques to increase the pleasure for both of them. Justin's ass contracted around his dick and he wanted to scream out like Ray in the backroom. Instead he groaned and thrust harder. Justin bucked back against him taking everything he had and demanding more. He always wanted more. That was part of what made Justin so special. And he was special. He was one of a kind. Brian wondered how he could have forgotten that.

The thrusts became more rapid as Brian felt his orgasm building. Justin turned his head and Brian sought his lips in another mind blowing kiss. 

Justin felt sweat drip onto his back as Brian pounded into him. His balls ached to explode but he fought against it, never wanting this to be over. Brian called his name a couple of times and Justin knew he was babbling Brian's in return. Their coupling had become a frenzy of need and want and desire.

With a final thrust Justin came with great intensity clamping down on Brian's cock and forcing him over the edge as well. "I love you," they each cried out as their orgasms rocked them to the very core. Brian slumped on top of Justin as they were finally spent.

They lay like that for a minute or two until their senses returned to this reality. Brian groaned and kissed Justin's shoulder. Justin lay still not wanting Brian to pull out. Brian had said he loved him just like the first night they were together. He felt Brian shift and the connection was broken. He sighed at the loss.

Justin rolled over and looked at his lover. Brian smiled at him, a true genuine smile, not the sarcastic one he so often used. 

"I've missed that," Justin said with a grin.

"It's like riding a bike. You never forget."

"Not like riding a bike at all. Much better."

Brian pulled him close and they kissed slowly and softly.

"I have something for you," Brian said suddenly. "Stay here."

"I wasn't planning on going anywhere," Justin grinned as Brian got up from the bed and walked naked over to his computer desk. He returned with an envelope. 

"I was addressing this when you arrived," Brian said handing it to Justin.

"What is it?"

"Open it and see."

Justin tore open the envelope which was addressed to him. He pulled out the card which had a huge sun on the front and the words, "Missing you".

He glanced at Brian not sure what this was. He opened the card and his smile became blinding as he read the words. It said: 

 

Since you're gone, loneliness abounds  
Bring back the sunshine to my life. 

 

It was signed: "I need you, Sunshine. H.R.A., Brian."

Justin felt the tear fall from his eye and splatter on the card. He wiped it carefully away. "Oh, Brian," he whispered. "Thank you for this. I'll always treasure it."

Brian's smile almost matched Justin's. His arms came around Justin and just about crushed the breath out of him. "Don't leave me again. Please stay," he begged.

"I'm not going anywhere," Justin promised as his mouth crushed Brian's and they said with their bodies what their words had already stated.

Some time later they lay cradled against one another sated and happy at least for a few minutes.

"Brian, thank you for that card," Justin said. "It means a lot."

"I'm glad you liked it. I even went to the fucking Hallmark store to get it for you."

"You did?" Justin asked his eyes as big as saucers at this revelation. 

Brian grinned sticking his tongue in his cheek, pleased that Justin was impressed. 

"You did that for me?"

"I'd do just about anything for you."

"Thank you, thank you, thank you," Justin gushed overwhelmed by the romantic acts of his lover. "I love you so much."

"Me too," Brian admitted which earned him another delicious kiss. "I think we're ready for the next round," Brian said glancing down at his stiffening cock.

"Oh, I brought us something," Justin said remembering what was in his knapsack. "Come with me," he said pulling Brian's hand as he got up from the bed.

"Where the fuck are we going?"

"You'll see."

Justin led Brian down the steps to where his knapsack lay near the sofa. He fished inside and held up a bottle.

"What's that?" Brian asked.

"Chocolate sauce."

"What?"

"It's out of the gift basket that you sent me. You can heat it in the microwave. It reminded me of ice cream kisses."

Brian chuckled at the memory.

"I thought I'd heat it up and pour it all over you, and then lick it off ever so slowly."

"Do I look like a hot fudge sundae?" Brian asked with a grin.

"Exactly like one."

"Then let's get to it. The chaise has been sadly neglected lately."

Justin grinned as he headed for the microwave. "Do you think we can make it work this time?" Justin asked as he waited for the sauce to heat up.

"I'm going to give it my best shot," Brian promised.

Justin beamed at him. "It's ready," he said taking his bottle of sauce out of the microwave.

Brian slumped down on the chaise and Justin straddled his legs. He poured a little of the chocolate on Brian's nipple and licked and sucked it off. Brian groaned at the sensation. 

"It's delicious," Justin said licking his lips.

"Not nearly as delicious as you," Brian said kissing the chocolate covered lips. This would only get better and better. This was what he had been missing – his creative, beautiful, talented lover, friend and soulmate. He sighed in contentment as Justin continued to work his magic.


End file.
